Saturday 09 September 2023

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(GRRRR N O >:V ONLY LEMON WILL DO 04:31:54

((lemon head jaw breakers? 04:32:13

(something like that 04:33:59

((those bop 04:34:09

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(while I wait for Lemondrop CJ, Imma go get 100 dollars, @ me on disc0rdio if you think im ded 04:47:18

((fair 04:47:32

(im omnipresent ùWú 04:48:33

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(back from making money ùwú 05:35:30

((radaroni 05:35:40

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(100 straight into the pocket >:V 05:37:52

((Essence of Self-Investment 05:38:47

(:v yezzir, making money is f u n 05:40:19

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(:v hehehe alaska 06:06:22

> ou still can't trust he's telling the truth, certainly not the full truth. You never will though so this is as good as an answer is going to get. You're finally halfway through your bowl, maybe you weren't as hungry as you though. Hm. You'll just save the gyoza for later. Your focus is still mostly on Zeg, occasionally picking up more noodles and eating them. "Well you've gotten a handful of other people who are apparently willing to go along with you for what it's worth." What are you even supposed to say to that? Going 'that's rough buddy' and moving on is an asshole move after all that prying but you were expecting something more.. fixable. You don't know what to do about someones penchant for loneliness. You shouldn't be worried about trying to help him anyways but still. Seeing him all bleh is killing your vibes. You eat more noodles to stall, think of an answer that won't make you sound like a huge dick. "and if you mean forever, in the grand scheme of things, you're bound to end up with someone in your quadrants eventually." 06:06:51

((*you 06:09:47

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((poggo 06:12:13

(YeeeeeeeEEEEEEEÈEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE 06:12:31

> Quadrants, huh? That just makes you wonder what that Olive is up to right now. So much for taking it slow with someone. Meh. You don't care anymore. "Yeah, right." There goes the last of your noodles and now you're just working on the last its of gyoza you have. You turn to face them again; nothing's changed, just as stagnant in your facially mood as before, "When I mean... alone I just mean like... consequences? I'm not too sure. Karma? Something like that... and sure, other people are going to get hurt in the midst of all thos, but I... kind of deserve to take it all by myself..? As lonely as that sounds, I just think it'd be the better option. No one else, just me. Even with the others, it feels like none of them could get it- I don't think you get it either." You have to take a moment to try and make things for concise for yourself and for their sake, finishing up a plate and a half of gyoza in the process, "I think what I [i]really[/i] mean is that I want to handle this alone, but by circumstance I can't and I don't like it. Even more than that, I don't..." you interrupt yourself with a sigh, you can't stop that word... not anymore, "I don't [u]feel[/u] right. I don't feel like I'm wavelength as everyone else anymore.. I'm in my own little pocket dimension that doesn't extend beyond my body. What do you think?" You reject the idea of telling them you think your soul is gone. Disillusionment and dissociation, however, they should get just fine. 06:27:50

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> You get it, you don't know how to tell him but you really understand. At least to some extent. "You're in your pan, I mean I know that's obvious but have you tried looking outside of yourself? You're punishing yourself because of some guilt complex, you're having some kind of dissociative episode probably because of anxiety caused by said complex, and on top of all that, you think you can't tell anyone else because they just wouldn't get it." You take a bite of a gyoza " You're on the same wavelength as everyone else, you're just turning your back to it. Everyone else in the world goes through the same rough patches as you. ups and downs happen. You aren't on your own, you just won't tell anyone whats wrong so they never get the chance to try and understand." You're looking down at the counter now, talking to at it rather than Zegama, maybe the lack of eye contact won't upset him if you misstep. "If whatever you're dealing with is life or death, just say that. Most of us aren't as stupid as it seems and even more of us have the ability to grasp the gravity of most situations." 06:56:31

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> Of course everyone gets life and death, that's just how... living is, especially here on Alternia. That's nothing new, but trying to.. you guess 'open up' as they say? Well... "Mm. It's probably too late for something like that." Done. You're all done- with your food that is. They get it. Sort of. They're about the closest, and you were right to think as much earlier. That notwithstanding, though, they're as close to it as they may be thinking, "But.. I guess I could try a little harder. With the... uhh..." what did you mean to say? You were thinking of getting better with??? "Hm. The whole talking with people thing? Probably. We'll see how it goes. I guess you count, if you want to count that is." Whatever. It doesn't exactly matter anymore. "I think I've gotten over my guilt and just accepted my place as a failure. I'm not even sure why I'm bothering to gather these people, I'll probably manage to lose the whole thing for everyone and who knows what that will bring." You'd call this negativity loop or downward spiral, but you can't even stop it even if you tried. Proof is in the troubles... "But I'm stuck with it, so I'll try to win all the same. You're good at this straight talking thing despite not liking to do it." You start stacking up your dishes neatly. 07:20:15

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> That's a lot of gloom. It makes sense though. If you keep your expectations low you can't get disappointed. You'd be lying if you said you didn't live by the same logic, in this case though, it isn't helping. "Failure? You obviously haven't accepted failure if you're willing to keep fighting. I understand expecting it, setting your standards low, but don't tell yourself you're going to fail if you're still willing to fight." It is bizarre that you're the one having to give a pep talk "[i]jeesus chriyst-[/i]" You can't help but scoff at it a little "Just pep yourself up. If you're going to win, you have to believe that, otherwise your team morale is going down the drain. If you want these people to fight for you and trust you, you need to trust yourself. You aren't a failure yet, stop thinking like one." That was levels of cheesy you have never even considered venturing into before. Whatever gets the point across. The hypocrisy in calling yourself a failure and then saying you'll fight to win is baffling. It sounds like he doesn't want to believe in himself but thats between him and his demons, as for you? You will keep chipping away at that bowl of ramen, you're making progress! 07:48:37

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> "Well, as much as I don't think I could pull it off, I have to at least try, because I don't matter; they do." You've already managed to sneak your wallet into your hands, waving one of the staff. You are unsurprised by their annoyance with you, you did... hm. Throw a fit, you could say. You offer them an apology, handing them money for the food, and then extra for the damages to the counter. That's should be enough to fix it, or just get a new counter altogether, you don't care what they do with the money. "Everyone else is in it to help me, but in the end, I don't really... care about getting help, I just want them to leave relatively unscathed and beyond that, the company is why I'm doing this. I like boss and co-workers, this shouldn't have happened, but it did.." You trace your finger over the cracks you'd caused in the counter, feeling the grooves and sharp edges of the miniature chasm as your thoughts swirled, "Morale is... good. Enough. They all seem enthusiastic about hitting people and potentially getting matched up for grudge matches or whatever, I don't think they need to look to me for any form of... "leadership".. It's little more than a wipe away I still need one more person, so I'll ask you once straight ip; Do you want to join?" 08:13:12

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> You figured he'd ask eventually. It was only a matter of time. "You said you didn't want me joining. What changed?" Desperation probably. A wipe is no time to train and you're right here so why not? You watch him trace the broken lines and chips, then you finish your noodles and offer the gyoza to him. Even if these people don't look to him as leader, he needs to cheer up before he resigns himself to death. As pessimistic as you lean, sometimes it's good to look on the bright side of it all. Despression does not suit him. 08:21:09

> "Nothing really, just figured I'd ask outright. You are one to snoop and I'm sure you asked MK plenty of questions. You know the rules already." You take the gyoza and look it over, just prodding at as you speak, "and I won't pretend those "hypotheticals" of 'fighting a purple and bronze already' didn't stand out." You're a failure with no soul, not blind and stupid. You puncture the gyoza and continue to stab through it, "Something tells me you want to fight just as much as the others seemed revved up to. Plus, asking about if your arm counts as a weapon or not doesn't really sound like you're trying to avoid joining in. Not sure what happened after I.. had to flee, but I can guess there's someone you would potentially want to get back at from that wave of bastards." Huh. You lift the gyoza up and even though you know you [i]could[/i] still eat more, you choose to hold it toward them as if to ask them to eat it, "Hm. I never did say sorry for that, did I?" 08:31:07

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> You look at the gyoza for a minute, he sure stabbed the shit out of it. Oh well, you eat it anyways. "You know I still think you're the masked random. And what would you be apologising for? If you did anything it obviously wasn't astronomically bad. I don't need an apology." You don't know if you want to join the fight. At the time you thought you did but now.. You know the rules aren't to the death but things could very easily get out of hand. As much as you don't endorse needless violence, this seems like theres a need. Hm. What do you have to lose? "I'll think about joining." What happens if you lose? You could barely take the two you fought last time, the stakes must mean something if IG is having a crisis over it. You weren't prepared to be mulling this over tonight, too many problems, too much taking up space in your pan. Your answer will have to wait until you get back to the dorm, then after a nap and maybe some work. You aren't sure how all this fits in yet but you don't have the energy to marathon questions right now. You catalogue the thought, saved for later. 08:49:21

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> "You too, huh? You and MK should start a conspiracy club. I have nothing to do with that... [i]whatever it is.[/i] I don't know what would make you think that." it's amazing really; one crazy "theory", if you can even call it that much with a lack of supporting evidence, could possibly find out who that dark figure was. Hm. You don't have to worry about that. It's [u]certainly[/u] not you. You are shocked they ate it, but you obviously find it impossible to express that, simply raising your eyebrows, but ultimately they sink all the same in no time. "Already told you, that thing saved me from getting stomped out anymore than I already was. Which is what I was apologizing for, running out and staying gone for a while. Not that I think you cared about that stuff, but I really couldn't make it back to help you without dragging a horde more of those guys chasing close behind." 09:04:23

> You raise your eyebrows back, no reason, just seemed fun "I get it, it doesn't matter now anyways but thanks for the apology I guess." Did you worry he was dead? The thought never really crossed your mind. Yeah you thought he could be pronounced dead, but you never considered that it could be anything more than fake. A temporary hitch, rumors, and then he shows back up. You were right of course but thinking back, it makes you sort of.. Uneasy. It shouldn't. The thought that it shouldn't in turn makes you even more uncomfortable. Negative feedback loops are always running in the back of your pan, you throw this one in the pile and try to remember the original issue. You weren't worried, you had no reason to be and even if he did die you still wouldn't worry. You have no reason to care if he dies, he's just some student at the college you shell out your hard earned coin to barely attend. "Are you ready to go?" You instinctively go for your wallet and then remember that he managed to already do that. 2-0 next time you'll hand them your card when you walk in. If there is a next time. You shouldn't be making a habit out of this but fate keeps forcing you to go on dinner meets anyways. It's fine. 09:16:40

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> "Hm. Yeah, yeah. Hopefully my blockmate's just been resting and not trying to fret over my whereabouts." You did dip out just to sit on the roof, so you didn't think to tell her about it, but then you ended up staying up there for hours and now you're not even on campus anymore. You stand up from the bar, slipping your hands into your pockets. Had you shrunk? No, you're just slouched. Or would it be hunched? Either way, it kind of seems like you can barely hold your head up, "Guess that makes 5. Just need to spend these next nights usefully, I suppose." you rub at the back of your neck as you start to head for the door, "Mmmm, you never answered my question way earlier." 09:27:09

> You're on your way out too, standing and stretching your legs then following him. "What question?" He finally got a blockmate and they're worried about where he is? Strange. You doubt the cerulean you share your dorm with would even bat an eye at your vanishing. The again you tend to leave this time of night. Some people get attached easily you guess. 09:31:32

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> "I asked if you've been sleeping well." You're not even sure if she had noticed you were gone, she was sleeping when you had left, after all. "Thought I'd ask, since you seemed to [i]actually[/i] sleep that night we spent together." You opent the door for them as they get there, "Wanted to know if you had been sleeping any better since then." 09:45:05

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> You step outside but turn to face him as you walk "Well you know how I sleep." You've been sleeping, only just the same as always, which is not much. It's enough to function, that's all that matters. You're sure if you tell him that he'll.. well you don't know how he would react but it probably wouldn't be how you want him to. You'll just leave it at that. "who's your blockmate?" You wait for him outside of the door, hands in the pocket of your hoodie. 09:55:07

> You follow up behind them and let the door close, "Mhm.." even in your soulless stupor, that hum still managed to sound disappointed in their sleeping habits, "My blockmate? Well, they're new and a tealblood. What was their name..." funny, you're drawing a complete blank on their name for right now. "I'll remember it eventually, she's nice, I guess. Pretty friendly, fairly strong." Mm. Yeah, friendly is a good way to describe them, "Very energetic. I think you'd like them. Well, about as much as you tolerate me- probably more than you can tolerate me.. That aside, you should sleep more." 10:03:30

> You knew that wouldn't throw him off. You start walking again, slow enough for him to keep pace at first then faster. "I'm fine. I could say the same about you anyways, you didn't sleep last night." You're aware of how fundamentally different your sleeping situations are. This is the verbal version of throwing something at the wall till it sticks, only this is trying to deflect the very true statement that you could probably do with some extra hours. The only issue is that you won't be getting those extra hours. Theres just no time in your schedule, and sure you designed it that way but why spend half your life sleeping when you can get just enough sleep and move on to better things? Maybe one day someone will invent something that negates the need for sleep, until then your routine is as efficient as it can be without you being completely sleep deprived and you're okay with that. Your thoughts are becoming mush again. You shake it off and keep walking. 10:13:03

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> "Yeah, I didn't, but I'm certain that once we get back, one of us has a better chance of turning in and sleeping for whatever it is worth. Meanwhile, the other will be holed up in their cave "working"." Energy or lack there of, it's clear you don't miss any beats. Your walking may not be that fast as you easily end up behind them, but you definitely can keep up with a conversation somewhat. "You should invest in that body pillow I suggested. I'd make the same offer as last time, but..." you don't think you're in any condition to be trying to do any more favors. You just... aren't good enough, really. "Blockmate and all, ya know." 10:21:21

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> You'd tell them about your hive but 1. you aren't bringing someone back there just to kick them all night, and 2. cuddles are for the weak and while you may be weak, you don't need cuddles. You scoff softly at the body pillow thing "I doubt a body pillow would fix my sleeping habits. and don't say working in quotations, i'm actually getting work done when im 'holed up in my cave'" For the most part. You really do spend most of your time working, but you also have the tendency to get distracted with random shit, like the memo. You slow down walking a tad when you see him fall behind, maybe you will take that nap. Maybe not. You'll have to weigh the pros and cons when you're back at your desk, if you sit down though you might as well get a little bit of programming done. Would be a waste of time to not ponder over some code. "And yeah, we don't need to make a habit out of breaking down major lifes moments over food and then taking a nap together." To be fair, you've been in worse conundrums before. 10:41:32

> "I wouldn't mind it. I have nothing better to do after sharing a meal with someone." You figured once you got a blockmate, if ever, you'd be a lot more hively and cozy with them. You don't doubt that's still possible, but you're just a chore to be around right now. "Who knows how much longer I'll have a job or anything, really." You have to think pretty hard about it as if you're forgetting something important, "Hm. I should see my Dad soon while I can." You never really called him that. It's always 'Old Man' or 'Pops', but with whatever time you have allotted to you, you don't think it matters much anymore. What were you talking about? Oh right, "Anyways, you need sleep more than I do, so if that were the only way to get uou to, I'd do it." You tiredly exhale from your gills. You're probably going to sleep. Probably. 10:53:20

> You're getting closer to the campus, enough so that it's not as busy in the streets anymore. "I'm sure there are other ways to get me to sleep, they just aren't easy." Drugging, beating unconscious, sleep deprivation to the point of exhaustion, death, all sorts of violent scenarios that you would rather not go through. You ignore the talk of his lusus, it's out of pocket and another rabbit hole you don't have the energy to dive down tonight. 11:03:02

((its 6am 11:03:24

((i gotta sleep soon 11:03:30

(:v yosha make sure to eat the bedtime grapes 11:04:20

((grapes? 11:04:33

(>:v what got a problem with nice, cold, crisp grapes before bed? 11:05:20

((i dont have any grapes 11:07:52

((now silence fool, back to writing 11:08:27

(grrrmmm 11:09:17

> Seeing it all from this angle, you almost feel like the college is... a lot. Just... [i]a lot.[/i] "Something tells me that nothing else in mind is as structurally sound. Or safe." Stepping on to the campus- just the mere crossing over some random crack in the ground that seperates the college grounds from the common street- seems to make you stall for a bit. Like you had to catch your breath despite having plenty of ways to breathe. You release it all in a small cough to the side, "Still, I guess that offer's still open whenever you feel like taking it. I'll just have to settle for you sleeping whenever you think you have time to for right now." 11:16:33

> You slow your pace again so you don't accidentally leave him behind, looking at the building in front of you loom closer. "You keep forgetting you have a blockmate." It's not like you're doing anything super embarrassing, you just don't like to let your guard down, and sleeping in front of a stranger is a no go. There are so many ways it could go wrong. This mystery troll could hate your guts and try to kill you, they could be insane and burn down the dorm in the middle of the night, maybe theyre a creep who likes to watch people sleep, the possibilities for disaster are endless! It just doesn't sit right with you is the point. You think it's a pretty normal one at that. Getting killed in your sleep is not on the roster. 11:24:38

> "Mm. They're harmless. The worst they'd do is probably startle you like I did earlier." You hand begun leaning against them as you walked for no real reason, guess you just felt like it. There's probably been no real change to how they felt from the last time, plus "There are always other places." Making it to thr front doors to the dorm, sort of just made you want to be anywhere else and no where else all at the same time. Mm. Who cares. You open up the doors, "Hm. Oh." You had a thought as to why it isn't really a good idea to do it any time soon, "The real worry is my body. Sparring and stuff like that. It'd probably hurt to be the big spoon again." 11:36:08

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> "then be little" You say it like it's obvious. You step through the doors and stop by them "and what other places? Your secret safehouses in case you need to fake your death again?" It's a joke, whether or not it sounds like a joke however, is open to interpretation. You have some wounds from the fight that are still healing, but you managed not to take any or at least not many major blows. You're usually all bandaged up anyways so it doesn't make much of a difference. It's all under a hoodie. 11:44:49

CJ: 25360 ᴮᶻᶻ! 11:50:05

CJ: .. ᴮᶻᶻ! 11:50:05

CJ: ((oop2zzz ᴮᶻᶻ! 11:50:12

CJ: ((omit ᴮᶻᶻ! 11:50:18

(the omen of bedtime :V 11:52:40

((no i tripped 11:52:49

> "Probably." You don't bother to look to deep into it and let the door close once you step through, "The only 'safehouse' I have is probably my second hive and another hive I know about, but I need to fix it up first." Being the little spoon doesn't matter to you, you'd just be doing it for them in the end. You can only imagine what their wriggler thrashing feels like from inside the storm, "But you're too busy for something like that, so these hypotheticals are just hot air, I suppose." Onward to the elevator, because walking has made you seem oddly exhausted. 11:55:56

(smh tripping 11:56:12

> "Me being busy didn't seem to stop you from getting your way last time." Whos side are you on? "but i do really have a pile of work to do so maybe next time." Nothing like soldering microscopic wire for 4 hours to keep the brain movin. Maybe you'll watch a movie while you do it, a shitty movie for extra entertainment value. You have the option to do more interesting things but ehhhh who doesn't love hot metal? You quickly make your way to the elevator and hit the button for your floor. 12:03:02

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(WAAAAAAAHAHAHA WALUIGI TIME 18:31:45

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