Wednesday 04 October 2023

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(jumpscare :v 09:53:08

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((spooky 09:56:23

(>:v 10:03:16

((screams loudly, my mobile connection is bad 10:08:59

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> "Given your exceedingly jank thought process right now? Yes." You point temple with your thumb, you didn't do this to yourself and if you did, it would have been for a waaaaay better reason than whatever they [u]think[/u] they did it for. "For better and for worst, I have to lead you all into battle-" you turn around slip your palmhusk back into your pocket, your expression had changed, "-and the last thing I want is anyone going in with baggage they don't need." It was the friendliest smirk you could manage- take away the dark bags under your eyes- and you know, ignore the hemorrhage'd eye- and it'd appear you're back to the you from before. You have to keep everything together and you plan to. No matter the cost... no matter the cost.. "You know you're important to me." With all their shenanigans it's hard to say what the allure is anymore, they could have seriously injured you just now if you were any less caring of your health, "So, it stands to reason that I don't like seeing you in pain." 10:13:49

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((nya 10:14:46

(bad kitty CJ costume :[i]v[/i] 10:17:03

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> You can't help but flinch slightly at those words. You doubt it's true, he's just saying whatever he has to to get an answer, the only importance you hold is being a willing fighter. All the same "Sorry. I shouldn't have hit you" you're back to wearing away at your thumb, focusing intently on anything that isn't him. "but I can't just go and tell you all my issues." You are genuinely sorry, even if your tone does one of the worst jobs at conveying it, your face is more expressive than usual, not by much but it's enough for him to get the point. He probably won't stop prying, you hope he does, you're wearing thin and the lack of sleep doesn't do much for your stubbornness. "I can fight fine, i'm sure you wouldn't care if I was in pain if it didn't effect that so theres no point in prying." You refuse to crumble, even if your pan wants to give in. He might not go out of his way to hurt you right now but you don't want to give him anything to work off of if you do eventually end up on opposite sides of the battlefield, not to mention you don't want the possibility for pity. 10:24:13

> It was difficult; mustering all this energy to forcefully inject this emotion into yourself was a tough thing to maintain. Without a soul naturally secreting these things and being a conduit for them, it sort of takes a toll, but you can bear with it, "I cared before we had to fight." Mm mm... how much longer can you keep up this pace of trying to hold everything together? As far as you can care to think about it? Indefinitely if that's what it takes. Your smile is perpetuated by slight shift of your brows, "Besides, you just admitted to two opposing things at the same time. You can't be in pain and fine- not in the way you are." You take up a seat next to them on the mattress. What would the you from before have done? Mm. You guess you know yourself- the you that was an actual troll with a soul- well enough, right? You get a dab of your blood, before waving the violet sheened finger before their eyes, "You can be physically hurt and fine. This will go away within a night or two, and These-" you take a breath to lift your shirt, revealing some of the bandages and wrapping that adorn your torso, "-are basically done healing. I'm fine. You aren't, because what needs to heal isn't just some bruising to a muscle or a bit strain on your body. I wouldn't take the time to talk if I didn't care." Wait, so can you care and show concern or can you only show concern or- no one will really know. You probably get it, but even then... 10:45:36

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> You can't help but feel this is a trap, you also can't help but tire of your paranoid antics. You see the blood, then the bandages, you never meant to say you were hurt. You'd try to justify telling him what's wrong but isn't that weak demeanor what led you here? You aren't even sure you could tell him if you wanted. It is a [i]very[/i] long story, a tangled web you aren't even sure of. Not to mention your habit of being an unreliable narrator, a fact you are acutely aware of yet can't seem to stop all the same. Hypocrisy upon hypocrisy, it never ends. "it isn't your job to therapise me, I already told you I can still fight just fine and you only cared before the fight because it was interesting. Please don't pretend we're friends." You should go before you crack, you should leave before you inconvenience him more "You already have enough on your plate without my troubles." A nap and some work, you'll pretend everything is normal and this isn't happening and then you'll fight and after that the world will keep turning and this will work itself out. After the fight you won't have to bother him again and he can stop worrying about a thousand things. It's a deluded thought, wrong, but a thought nonetheless and you can't stop it. A light at the end of this maze would be nice. 10:58:42

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> "Maybe, maybe not." You slither through their words, it's not like any of them would have stumped you anyhow. You're not the one who needs help here, it's too late for you, "Interesting, sure, you could say that. Still, a little too much stock put into it for it just be some surface level interest." It was simple to you really, interest carries plenty of things far, but actually caring and being interested are seperate things, "If I was as concerned about your fighting as you seem to think I am, I would have put you through the test. I definitely don't think you'll be up to par with how you are in this moment, but the fighting isn't my concern. You're my concern." The rolling waves really are fierce the longer you inject this emotional impact into yourself, but it's for a good enough cause, "Lots of things aren't anyone's job, but they do it anyway. No amount of interest is going make someone do that. Caring will. I don't have to pretend we're anything, we just are what we are right now, and if it's not friends, then that's okay, I don't really mind. Doesn't mean I'll ignore your needs." 11:16:04

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> Needs? Spilling your guts isn't a need, if anything it'll hinder you, have you thinking too much about yourself instead of survival. As if you aren't already doing that on your own. Hm. When there's no way out, the only way out is to give in. You think, stone faced, trying to form a sentence that will make sense to the outside world. "It's a lot. I wouldn't even know where to start." Now comes the time to ask the question you seem to ask every time you see him "Why do you care?" Just to see if his answer makes any more sense the third? fourth? time around. If you really think about what you might say, dig for it, you could conjure a story, sad and ultimately inconsequential. Or perhaps you'll find a statement, something to help him understand just how jumbled your pan is. You can't think that hard, even if you could you wouldn't be able to get the words out, it wouldn't change anything because this is not what you need. You don't know what you need. 11:24:31

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> "Why do I care... hm..." Why do... you... mmm. You'd almost say it's a bad habit making sure everyone is generally okay. You don't know what you could tell them. Maybe the you from before would have a clever idea as to what would make a substantial answer, but you are not privy to it. No soul, no benefits of the like, "I just do is all. I guess it's a part of who I am? If you say we aren't anything to each other, then I'm cool with that, but I still just want to see you doing well." Better than nothing at the very leats, but you can't think of a better answer than it being in crafted into your being- with or without the soul, "Do I need an extraordinary reason to just care about someone I know?" 11:43:18

> "Maybe you do for someone who is apparently so keen to see you dead." You called him a murderer, it's only fair he assumes you'd do the same. Flip flopping between coherency and rummaging through your pan is wearing you down "What do you want me to say so that you'll be convinced i'm okay?" Usually a meandering conversation would work to your advantage but you can't make sense of anything, you're just getting lost. You'll let him take the lead as always, whatever he wants just so you can rest, or stop thinking about all your problems. You make some sort of eyecontact, or something that looks like it to him, your vision is swimming and trying to focus is just making you dizzy. 11:50:41

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> Blanca uses her entire strength to tread the snow. When that fails her, she uses the void to distort herself over to the other trolls. Fighting to stay above the level, she takes a closer look. Up close, they don’t look frozen; their skin is still flush with blood. Rather they look paralyzed, as if the force that animated them was gone. 12:00:52

((brb for like an hour 12:04:12

((maybe less 12:04:15

(take all the time :V 12:07:02

> You can finally break the barrier and stop torturing yourself with this forced bout of expression. You deflate a bit and lay back onto the bed, "That's for you to think of. If I [i]make you[/i] choose something to say, how honest would that really be?" Your face settles back into its fixed pose of a neutral drawl, resting your hands beneath your head as you lay down, "As long as it's true, I'll accept it. The best I can do for you is listen and alleviate- as much as you will allow any way." You should probably check on those sheets- wait... hm. Gave you an idea. That could work as a gift. First thing's first though, CJ is your prime priority, "You can say whatever you want to me, should be fairly obvious by now." 12:07:04

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((back 13:04:27

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((yo)) 13:09:57

((you want to do that thing now?)) 13:10:06

> Thats the problem "i don't [i]know[/i] what to say. I don't know what I need, I don't know whats wrong with me. I usually just ignore it all until it gets quiet again. Talking about it has never been an option." You dare to show a little of that frustration thats been simmering inside. You think thats what it is, everything is dulled in a strange way. You rub your eyes in a feeble attempt to try and make the world stop spinning, then you just resign yourself to watching him again. "I shouldn't have even told you that, I don't know if I can trust you." another thing to bite you in the ass miles down the road, you're good at this self sabotage thing. 13:12:49

((not rn because im in an rp 13:12:59

((but after this one yeah 13:13:03

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(WIFFLEBAT 13:25:41

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> "You come here and bash a bat into my head. Duress, intoxicated, or impaired in any way, it doesn't matter, that's what you did. Needless to say, you can trust me because you haven't been maimed and I don't have any intentions of doing so." You would reach for them, but saying something like that and following it up with a touch of any kind is a prime excuse for them getting defensive and attacking you again so you opt for the roundabout. You pat the bed right behind them, gesturing for them to lay down and relax. "You don't exactly need to [i]know[/i] what to say, you just have to say whatever [i]feels[/i] right. Talking is always an option, you're just always make the choice not to. Maybe talking [u]with someone[/u] hasn't been the easiest to come by, though." 13:36:09

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> You look at the bed behind you, hesitant to lay down but eventually you do. You've come this far, why not? You stare at his ceiling, trying to think of how to start. Every good story has a beginning but you didn't come here to dump your life's story, some things are best left unsaid. You sigh again, this time its more of letting the breath out of your lungs, not really relaxing but something akin to it. "It's loud is all. Normally I can ignore it but occasionally something like this happens. I usually find distractions to ignore it, something to feel like the world isn't going to collapse into bits over my head and strike me dead." That isn't the whole of it, the rest can't be put into words. "or something to pretend it's quiet" sometimes you wish you could turn it all off, power your pan down instead of being resigned to sitting back and watching it overheat like a computer running constantly. A kind of deafening silence but mentally. Usually the sopor helps, you think it helps, in the end maybe its exacerbating the issue, putting it off until the noise grows too loud to ignore. Or maybe the noise would grow no matter what and this is the only kind of calm you'll ever get. You've yet to figure out which path is true, you aren't sure you ever will. 13:50:32

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(hohoooooo :V 13:56:37

> Mmmmm... you suppose you can relate to that. Yeah, to that precisely. Maybe you have a temporary solution, "Hold on." You slip forward and stand from the bed, having the more clear pan between the two of you makes you realize you should 100% wash your hands before taking anymore actions. You vanish into your ablutionblock, the sheets seem to be coming along just fine, the water's no a very pale red, an hour or two longer should work. After a minute or so you return with clean hand and the band-aid fixed to the side of your temple where they struck you. You lay across the bed and go to the back side, opening the mini-fridge and pulling out one of the bottles you'd been nursing for a few nights. You sit up, swirling the low glowing azure liquid within its glass bottle, about halfway finished. You remove the lid, "Here, open." 14:10:41

> You sit up and tilt your head "Are you going to tell me what this is before I drink what could very well be poison?" He should've predicted you would ask, and that you would be more cautious than an idiot. You don't go around drinking glowing mystery liquids regularly. At least he put on the bandaid, head wounds bleed a lot. You lean back on your hands, running all the things this could be through your mind but it all comes up empty, blank, you're sure he will tell you anyways. 14:14:47

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> "My lusus's venom." You'd be concerned about them dying or getting paralyzed for a few days if you didn't understand how to work out that issue, "Normally, it would cause a lot of afflictions; you saw a few of them before: chills, overheating, body aches, dizziness, that sort of stuff. However, that's because I had a fair dosage, if you were to only a small sip, it'd be more like a... hm." What would be a good analogy? "A pain neutralizer? Maybe a muscle relaxer is better comparison." You a rather cavernous swig for yourself, just to show it's fairly safe, but you're also working on rebuilding you resistance and pushing toward full immunity, so a bigger dose wouldn't effect you as much, "Doesn't taste bad either. You need to chill out. You're letting everything get to you." 14:27:40

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> He's asking you to willingly drink venom? He has no reason to want you dead, thats been established. You sit up all the way and reach for the bottle, you'll take anything at this point, if anything it might help you sleep. "How much of this would be bad for me?" Getting sick wouldn't be preferable, you'll be careful but if you do happen to drink too much, body aches are better than death. You aren't in any paint so you aren't sure why he's offering this, you aren't even sure you need a muscle relaxer but it couldn't hurt, you just hope it actually helps. Drinking poison offered by someone you tried to concuss, there's humor in there somewhere but you're too far gone to recognise it. 14:36:12

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> You usually go off of feel. Based off the swig you just took, you know that would definitely cause debilitating ailments for them that would last a few hours. You look it over and give their whole body a proper scan. They're pretty scrappy, so, "Two small sips. It should feel like a thin veil of numbness draping over you. If it feels like anything else, I've got you covered." You hand the bottle to them and lay back down, "Word of warning, the first taste is usually the hardest. It's got a... uhh... hm. Zap to it? A heavy tang I guess, but it is really just an initial thing." 14:46:57

((get ready for a short response 14:50:21

> You cautiously take a sip, you aren't sure what this is going to taste like but you expect some kind of sting? Zap? You're prepared for anything really, can't be worse than some of the other things you've ingested. 14:51:18

incongruousGrandeur [] joined chat. ~~ 39 ~~ 14:55:18

(:V I am ready for all the responses 14:55:34

> A [i]zap[/i] was putting it gently, you yourself didn't realize how harsh it could truly be- you were a wriggler when you had your first taste and you keep drink it, so it stands to reason that it couldn't have been that bad- at least in your eyes it couldn't be so bad, right? Well... the truth is, once the liquid hit their tongue it was immediately revealed that this [i]zap[/i] was closer to an overwhelming jolt that seemingly ran rampant upon their tasting nodes like the venom had was a living organism in its own right, teeming with boundless adrenaline. For a mere half second, it basically felt like getting raked through with a electrocuting blade of sorts. You, however, are none the wiser. 15:02:37

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> You make a face and force yourself to swallow, then you take another quick sip and swallow that even faster than the first to get it over with. You hand the bottle back to Zegama "do you have anything less potentially corrosive to wash that down with? A zap is putting it lightly" You were prepared for anything, this was not anything. And to think he said it didn't taste that bad. You certainly tasted the venom, don't know if you'll want to do that again. It wasn't terrible but you aren't sure you like the feeling of licking a 9 volt battery in liquid form. The zing alone did manage to take your mind off things, you'll give it that. 15:08:52

> You take the bottle from them and take another sip for yourself. Mm. Still good. You close it off with the lid and head back to the mini-fridge to return the elixir and retrieve a water for them, "I guess it's because you're not attuned to it, like I said, the first time is the issue. After that? You will probably be able to actually taste it the next time around- if you want there to be a next time." Most likely not, but it's an offer that's open. You scoot a bit closer to them and hand over the water as you lay back down, "So, what else is rattling around in that pan of yours?" 15:34:02

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((FYI, Omni came into MY DMS and acted like she was interested in ME 15:40:39

((then constantly acted weird when I actually was 15:40:50

((fuck you dude, you'll never be a real man and you fucking know it 15:41:13

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(well, that was random. 15:43:09

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cyberneticJunkie [] IP banned apologizingImmolation [**]. Reason: sexual harrasment 15:46:17

((please ignore him :] 15:46:25

(a real bummer, but it ez what it ez 15:47:26

((shit happens 15:47:37

(shit's about to happen to this T O L I E T I should not have slammed down a whole bag of marshmallows <:U 15:48:23

((weak guts 15:48:40

((F 15:48:43

(Ò -ó it was a LOT OF MARSHMALLOWS BEFORE THIS 15:51:00

(nevermind :v I'm fine, infinity for the win. 15:53:17

> If it does anything to help, you'll probably find yourself asking again. You crack open the water first and foremost, chugging about a quarter of it before closing it and looking for a place to set it down. When thats all over with you lay back again, resuming your blank stare at the white ceiling and the dig into just what the fuck your problem is "Loads of things, what specifically is a very big question. I can't even seem to answer it." It's like you can't hear the thoughts over yourself but at the same time you're straining to. "too many contradicting factors." You decide to stop looking at internal stressors and turn to the everything else. "I guess being in my dorm or running errands all day isn't helping either, I have a lot of work to do but thats self inflicted. I get stressed about the workload but without it I just.. I don't know what else to do with myself." Thats more of a vent than you intended. Of course theres also the issue that is Zegama himself but you'd never bring that up to him. 15:56:45

((you won 15:56:50

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> "I don't know what you should do with yourself either." You don't simply take work away from a workaholic, they simply find anything else to fuss over. Everything can be a task, anything could be a chore, or even a odd job. All points lead to them working no matter what, so the best they could do is.... well, moderate, but getting that to happen sounds about as hard as pulling a horn. "I guess taking better care of yourself is a place to start. Sleeping when you feel exceedingly tired as opposed to just dropping on the spot because you passed out is a small step in a better direction." For you, the venom was doing its job as an invasion to your bodies natural balance and getting dealt with accordingly. It didn't change much, but the inky black of your pan cleared from an abyss to... a slightly less deep trench, but at least the static has gone away. For them, that tide of numbness had come to prevail over their body, just waxing upon them with a few fluid pulses. You give their cheek a pat , "Think of it this way; you work more efficiently after being well rested, so whatever work you'd miss while asleep would just made up by your superior pan function processing after a good dose of sleep." 16:18:25

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> You let the weight settle into your limbs, the exhaustion finally catching up. You don't mind the pat, at this point you don't care about environmental factors, you already gave a man blunt force trauma, a pat on the cheek won't kill you. "My pan can process just fine without it though, slower but my work isn't fast, most of it is easy anyways. It's less of an art and more of a repetitive task to keep my hands busy at this point." You do like what you do, just being glued to your desk all day gets boring. "My body doesn't work like that anyways, I can't just sleep when I feel like it." It's no lie, your insomnia is legendary. You fight the heaviness thats creeping towards your eyelids, trying to make out any small patterns in the texture of the ceiling instead. When that fails you sit up sluggishly and lean against the wall, leaning the weight into it. 16:26:14

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> You sit up in response to them clearly struggling. You have a... thing to do. Besides, you know the last thing they want is to doze off in here around you. You don't even have sheets on this thing, it'd rude to let them fall asleep in such suboptimal conditions. You take to slinging an arm around them to bring them closer to you, "Sure, and the way to supplement that is to step away and rest anyways. Feeling refreshed doesn't just come from sleeping." You soon ended up pulling them into a slight cradle, "But for now it looks like you [i]do[/i] need to sleep, so we should get you back to your dorm." 17:02:24

> And therein lies the problem. You're really fighting sleep now, your words becoming groggy "my blockmate is there" One of the factors limiting that oh so precious sleep is the fact that you share your block with an unfamiliar cerulean. Maybe you can fight sleep long enough to drag yourself to your old hive? How though? You obviously can't drive like this. Hm. Maybe you'll just keep going until you crash again, that's the only way you've managed to get some semblance of sleep around him so far. Head back to your dorm and fall face first into a bean bag to crash out. Whatever works. This very second however, you are leaning your weight on Zegama and trying not to let your eyes close. Not sleeping for days will really hit you like a wall huh. You decide to stare at the bed and find patterns there. 17:13:15

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> You suppose there isn't much else to say about it. They don't want to sleep there, then they'll have to sleep here. You're sure you can work with it. Just the only way you know how to, you decide to lay down with them in your grasp. You tuck them close, making sure that they can rest on the pillows to the best of your ability, "That's fine. You'll be fine right here." It's a little too much hassle to pawn them off on anyone else- and it's especially not safe to let them run off to their own devices. You know how they are; to an extent, anyways. 17:44:40

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